The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles 6: Harriet the lesbian goes Heater Shopping

My heater shorted out at like 3am the other night. I can't sleep in silence, I just can't. So I needed to go out and buy another one. I decided to go to CVS in Glendale because that's where I got the last one and I really like it. Here is where the tale begins.... I walk in and head straight over to the aisle I know the heaters to be on. While on my way over there my ears register that someone is speaking loudly. Me, not being nosey, keep walking as the person continues. I reach the heater aisle and find what I'm looking for and then I hear,

Random CVS Patron: ey, ey girl. Ey girl come on now, I know you heard me girl.

I continue to assume this person is talking to someone else and without turning around I proceed to the checkout (checkout get it? muuuhhhaaaa) line when I hear behind me,

Random CVS Patron: Pshh man whatever *tisk*

I make my purchase and proceed to the exit. There he is, right there in my fucking face waiting with an arm out. Which of course I walk around, giving him the hairy eye ball.

Random CVS Patron: Ey girl, didn't you hear me talking to you?

Moi: (still walking) I heard someone but I didn't think they were talking to me.

Random CVS Patron: Yo, yo hold up girl damn! You in a hurry or something damn!

Now, at this point it's like around 9 I think. So it's dark. I'm not scared but I also don't want to be talking to this dude in a practically deserted parking lot where the nearest person to help me is the Ethiopian looking security guard of CVS whom I saw go into the bathroom before I got into the checkout line. So of course I keep walking but I politely utter,

Moi: Uh huh

Random CVS Patron: I'll make this quick then. My name is Will Washington....

I stop walking, He waits for something, I just smile.

Will Washington: ...and your name is?

Moi: Harriet Bathman

William Washington: Harriet huh? kinda a unique name. You don't hear that a lot you know anyway well I would just like to say that you the prettiest looking girl I seen this year alone and that's on the real baby.

Moi: Why thanks William Washington (awkward smile and I begin to walk away)

William Washington: Well yo maybe I could get your number or something you know, so we could get better acquainted.

Moi: Uh, no William Washington I'm sorry. (I start walking again)

William Washington: Well yo I mean why not? You never know you know you might like me

Moi: Well you see William Washington, I'm not really into guys so I don't think it would prove to be very fruitful to get better acquainted.

William Washington: Well what you mean? like you a lesbian? (I nod) Oh, that's on the real? (I nod again) Well that just ain't right. It ain't right with God you know and....

Moi: ALRIGHT yeah I have to go now. Thank you for the compliment and good luck with picking up girls and preaching the gospel at them in the CVS parking lot and THAT'S on the real.

William Washington: Oh alright then. Well uh bye Harriet I hope the lord finds you.

I salute him without turning around.

---The End

I'm glad that Harriet Bathman got to take a trip. She hardly ever get's out anymore. That was back when I went to bars on a regular basis.

Naturally, I felt kind of bad because he wasn't exactly rude but then I remembered how he was yelling at me in the store and how he was about to tell me how my fake sexual orientation was a sin. So my sympathy was short lived. Moral of the story? Once again, GO AWAY. I don't want to talk to you. Wasn't that obvious when you literally had to put your arm in front of me to keep me from walking? The following filthy look I gave you didn't suffice? Look, it's late and I look like doo doo caca. My hair was all messy and crap. I probably smelled like books because I had just come from the comic book shop and that's on the real yo. Don't approach me. Especially not when I'm buying a heater at CVS looking like I just rolled out of bed. It'd be different if I was in a bar. That's just asking for it. If you do, better come at me with a brewsky or I'll tell you to turn the fuck around.

Also, I'm going to add Ey'ey to my list of fake names. So that if someone says it to me to get my attention, I can say I turned around because that's my name. Like O-M-G how did you guess?! GOD! That reminds me, I hate that "chhhhit chhhiit" crap. I'm not a cat, fuck you. That's on the real, b.