Introduction

"The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles" is a series of humorous rants that I started on Facebook using the 'Notes' feature. It first started out with me sharing emails that I receive via dating websites. Then it slowly also became and outlet in which to voice my frustrations caused by experiences I've had involving anyone with a penis. I do my best to give a play by play description of these events.

I decided to move them to a separate blog and off of Facebook so that I'm able to say more of what I want without the prying eyes of family members and co-workers; and also to make them colorful and pretty. If you enjoy bad language, angry rants and terrible puns then you might enjoy them. The older posts will look pretty bad. I'm just cutting and pasting from Facebook. I am much too lazy to reformat them all. Tough titties if you don't like it.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles 10: The Spit Roast Grill Part 1

So, I'm minding my own business doing my once every blue moon email check. When I get two IMs. This is the first of the two. It started innocently enough and then....Well you'll see. Have fun.

mikunity: Hello, i was just looking at your profile- u look nice- how are u?

goodiegumdropcali: I'm fine. how are you?

mikunity: .I'm good......what r u up 2?

goodiegumdropcali: nothing much. Just browsing the internet. I'm actually not planning to be on here for too long.

Hint to maybe leave me alone # 1 (you don't get two sorry)

mikunity: kool, i just got home from jogging

goodiegumdropcali: this late?

This was at about 12:30

mikunity: :) u r very attractive...... by the way, im 5'11 185 lbs.....u?

FINE I'll be nice and social. What could it hurt?

goodiegumdropcali: I'm 5'1 108lbs

mikunity: nice, what do u like 2 do 4 fun?

goodiegumdropcali: I like to listen to music, hang out with my friends, read, watch movies,play video games, go to dive bars. Stuff like that. You?

mikunity: sounds good.... I like boxing, i write music, dance, friends, etc

mikunity: are u single? dating?

goodiegumdropcali: I'm single.

mikunity: that's good news, lol....im single 2 ........what r u attracted to in a guy?

goodiegumdropcali: Personality mostly. I like a guy than can make me laugh, someone understanding, good communicator, knows what he wants...etc

goodiegumdropcali: what do you look for in a person?

mikunity: I'm doin good so far then, lol

goodiegumdropcali: well I just laughed so yeah. jk

mikunity: i like honest, open minded, smart, kool to chill with...what about as far as looks? any preferences? im picky, lol

mikunity: i like a nice smile, pretty eyes, dresses cute....but i really love a nice ass... hope that was ok 2 say?

goodiegumdropcali: it's too late you said it

mikunity: i also love a girl with passion who loves to dance, loves to kiss...if she has all that, she can have my heart...lol

mikunity: :)

Starting to regret being nice

goodiegumdropcali: I don't really like to kiss honestly.

mikunity: what kind of music do u like?

goodiegumdropcali: I like pop, gangster rap but mostly classic rock, alternative and electronic, punk, metal, industrial

goodiegumdropcali: you?

mikunity: me 2....i like it all depending on the mood

The generic answer that EVERYONE who doesn't share my musical tastes, give.

goodiegumdropcali: I listen to a lot of pop and r&b during the week. it keeps me going while I'm at work

mikunity: especially slow jamz----dancing with someone u r attacted to, music can really set things off... I love that shit....lol

mikunity: lol r u the romantic type?

goodiegumdropcali: sometimes

goodiegumdropcali: I have to be into the person of course

mikunity: i am 2...... i think peoples relationships would be better and last longer if they had more romance

mikunity: oh, and definitely much better sex too..... was that ok 2 say? :P

goodiegumdropcali: it's too late you said it

mikunity: sorry if i offended u, im just real passionate- i love things like being on the dance floor,staring deeply into each others eyes - both knowing and feeling what the other wants without saying a word

mikunity: i know it sounds corny but i think its hott, lol

goodiegumdropcali: heh

mikunity: u seem real kool :) plus u r hottt as fuq@!!$#,lol

goodiegumdropcali: thank you

mikunity: I'm Mike-Anthony, u?

goodiegumdropcali: Jessica

mikunity: nice to meet u, where r u from originally?

goodiegumdropcali: Los Angeles

goodiegumdropcali: you?

mikunity: I see.... ever been to miami?

goodiegumdropcali: No

And here we go....

mikunity: It's nice here. I wish you were with me right now. we would be staring passionately in eachothers eyes- both liking what we see as........

mikunity: i pull u close as our lips passionately kiss, lol

mikunity: ;)

mikunity: told u i was creative and romantic- I know it sounds corny-gotta admit it sounds hott though? agree? lol

mikunity: ?

goodiegumdropcali: Well I agree that it's corny

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed

Hint to definitely leave me alone #1

mikunity: then, i gently lick my way down your neck as u look in my eyes and tell me how turned on u r getting and how bad u want me, but!!!!!!!!

mikunity: lol, but.......

goodiegumdropcali: *sigh* are you trying to get fresh via the internet?

Hint to definitely leave me alone #2

mikunity: but i say i want u too but 1st i have to taste u everywhere.............. may i?

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed

Hint to definitely leave me alone #3

I think that he forgot that cybering takes two people. You are all now witnesses to me being virtually raped. I expect testimony from everyone.

mikunity: lol....... i kneel between your legs and gently start kissing my way up as u look down at me, then...............

goodiegumdropcali: mmhmm and then?

mikunity: i start licking along the out side of your panties, u begin moving your hips trying to get me 2 kiss you, my face between your legs as i rub my tongue up n down your panties tasting u getting wetter

goodiegumdropcali: I wouldn't do that. They're filthy. I've had on the same undies since last week. Pretty crusty and funky.

mikunity: sorry, i hope u arent mad- im not sure where all of this came from- u gotta admit it sounds hotttt though? lol

goodiegumdropcali: You're worried about that now? I've closed the window twice now I think. Are you a bot? You say certain things over and over. Not that I'm reading most of what you're spewing at me. As it is all shit.

Hint to definitely leave me alone #4

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed


Hint to definitely leave me alone #5

mikunity: i pull your panties to the side and gently rub my tounge up n down your clit as i slowly put 1 finger inside of you as i look up at you and whisper how hott you are and how good u taste

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed
6
mikunity: no, lol'

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed
7
mikunity: like that? i do, lol

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed
8

Now I know you're asking the obvious, why don't you block him or sign out? Well I still haven't been able to find the block button also keep in mind, there is another dude harassing me at the same time. Everytime I went to click the log off button another IM would pop up from one of them. I finally closed the tab but unfortunately this particular website doesn't sign you off that way. You have to click sign off to show you're offline and users can no longer IM you. If you don't. You get emails of what they tried to send you via IM. I have a bunch, I'm not reading them. I haven't even read most of what this one said to me. If you are I commend you.

mikunity: u rap both of your legs around my shoulders as my fingers rub your clit annd my tounge goes in and out of your wett pusssyy

goodiegumdropcali: I like how I don't even have to be part of it for you to please me. You're doing such a good job. Please continue

mikunity: lol....wanna help?

goodiegumdropcali: nope you go a head I'll just read

mikunity: fuq, im getting soooo hard picturing it.....r u feelin it too?

goodiegumdropcali: yeah it's a monsoon over here.

mikunity: u climb on top of me staring in my eyes as u lick your lips as u grab my hard cock n start rubbing it along your clit

mikunity: im asking you to please out it inside as you reach behind, rubbing me as you continue teasing me

mikunity: u r rubbing your pussy hard against it as i grab your ass and lift you up and thrust it deep inside you as you moan deeply as start to slowly bounce up n down on me

goodiegumdropcali: ooooopsie daisy! I came. Oh well thanks! Here's a towel clean yourself off and you can keep the scent sample I left on your finger. You know, for being such a champ.

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed
9

mikunity: im squeezing your ass with both hands as your wett pussy is throbbing around me, dripping all over me....like?

goodiegumdropcali: Goddammit I said I finished fuck off already

*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed

mikunity: baby don't be mad i askd if u minded I ain't done!

goodiegumdropcali: Welp that's not what she said! PEACE OUT NUKKA!!!!!


*** Goodiegumdropcali23's IC window is closed

I closed the tab at this point.
Now on to part two which was happening simultaneously





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