The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles 3: The Beginning

I may have written the following disclaimer four years ago but I still feel the same. This was back in the time of myspace and before privacy settings. Of course this isn't really much of a problem now on facebook but it crossed my mind earlier today while reading a poorly written email. To be fair to the author he was nice and respectful but I find it very hard to respect someone who cannot use their native tongue properly. Plus emails written like his generally aren't from gentlemen, he was an exception, well he may have been. I don't really know because I didn't respond. Anyway, I always keep in mind that one day I may have a spawn and I wouldn't want it learning to speak/write that way. I'm not perfect but at least I try. He spelled "share" wrong for bleeps sake. He was super cute too. LAME! What a waste! I'd post the email but this is long enough as it is. Plus I don't want to be overly mean since he was nice.

Do not, as in don’t, send me messages or add request if you fall under the following categories, i.e.; mistakes:

1. Atrocious grammar-If the individual simply cannot spell I suppose I can let it slide IF the individual doesn’t fall under any of the below categories.
2. Grossly unable to start and or complete an intelligent thought-Pretty straight forward I think. If one doesn’t find that to be straight forward, well let’s just say one might qualify as a candidate who goes under this category.
3. Uses the following-"2", when not speaking in numbers; KNOE, DAT, IZ, DIS, when used in place of the word “this”; CHESSE, because I don’t know what that is; BOUT, without the proper punctuation showing a letter has been left off; keepin it real, again without the proper punctuation. Not at all is preferable though; BANG, when used instead of saying “I’m in a gang”; IF U WAS, don’t, just don’t; goin, without proper punctuation;FOE, when used in place of the word “for”; ENLESS, a certain individual meant “unless”;DA, when used in place of the word “the”; UNDA, when used in place of the word “under”; EVATHANG, I’m sure one can figure out what that’s supposed to be; HOLLA, because I’m still not quite sure what it means and I’m sure I’d still hate it if I did; BACC, it’s “back” people; THANG, when used in place of the word “Thing”- Look if you’re going to use slang okay, just don’t a) message me or b) don’t use it excessively. I can stand it in small amounts but when an individual uses solely slang, my head hurts and my eyes get all squinty. Here are a few tips: 1) If the slang word in question has the same amount of letters in it, USE THE PROPER WORD! Slang is lazy, it’s supposed to be a shortcut; but it is no longer a shortcut when it contains the same amount of letters. For example, “BACC” is supposed to be “BACK”. Just use “back”. It’ll look better, you’ll feel better and you won’t come across as an imbecile. Honestly I’ve studied this deeply. Here’s another tip that I’m going to share. I learned it in elementary school. 2)SOUND THE WORDS OUT if you’re not sure. For example: “UNDA” and “EVATHING”. “UNDA” is supposed to be pronounced “Under” and “EVATHANG” is pronounced “Everything”. Let’s do this together. UN-DER, under. Now let’s try the other. EV-ERY-THING, everything. Great! 3) Just because your favorite celebrity says it, doesn’t mean you can. They’re getting paid and you’re not. Adopting your favorite celebrities lingo doesn’t get you any closer to them. Drop it.....
4. Overly uses Caps Lock: When an individual sends me a message in all capital letters it gives me a complex. I feel as though I’m being scolded and if I don’t know what I did, it’s very ineffective. Caps Lock, when used on entire words, is usually an expression of rage or anger. It is also used to emphasize certain statements.
5. Wants to “HOLLA”
6. Is in the mood to talk to a freak: I’m not so don’t bother. ....
7. Plan on calling me names and harassing me once rejected
8. Can’t take hints
9. Can’t take sarcasm

This isn’t the list in its entirety but I’m tired of doing it and have other things I’d rather be doing. I hope this disclaimer is big enough to for those who seemed to have missed the description of whom I do and don’t want to meet. It’s GASP under the “Who I’d like to meet” section. Gee, what a concept. If you fall under the above categories and you’re still reading, I’m proud of you. Now get off my page because there’s no reason for you to stay. If you feel you don’t fall under the above categories, go ahead and message me and my lack of response will tell you that you were mistaken. For individuals who’s shortcomings I didn’t list; I’ll be nice to you when you send me a message. I’m a nice person and I can't be rude about something you weren’t aware is wrong with you. I’m sure that by this point you’ve reached the conclusion that I’m not a nice person, or a bitch as some jerk off called me the other day. I’m not. These are simply my preferences. Don’t become disgruntled because I won’t respond to you. You’re a “player” remember? There are lots of women out there who find your shortcomings attractive. I’m just not one of them. Also keep in mind, if you’re polite, I’ll return the gesture. Now run along and have yourself a time!