Introduction

"The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles" is a series of humorous rants that I started on Facebook using the 'Notes' feature. It first started out with me sharing emails that I receive via dating websites. Then it slowly also became and outlet in which to voice my frustrations caused by experiences I've had involving anyone with a penis. I do my best to give a play by play description of these events.

I decided to move them to a separate blog and off of Facebook so that I'm able to say more of what I want without the prying eyes of family members and co-workers; and also to make them colorful and pretty. If you enjoy bad language, angry rants and terrible puns then you might enjoy them. The older posts will look pretty bad. I'm just cutting and pasting from Facebook. I am much too lazy to reformat them all. Tough titties if you don't like it.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles 1: Bitter Much? Yes

So, I've decided that instead of ignoring the stupid, shitty, poorly written emails I get from guys, I'm going to respond and not be nice. Then post them here on FB for your entertainment. Here are two examples:

Dipshit 1: "Goodie Gum drop huh? Can I lick it?"


Me: "I don't know how you enjoy your gum sir but generally it's chewed. I would not like to be chewed."


Dipshit 1: No response


Me: "Mission accomplished."


Here's yet another gem


Dipshit 2: "Hey sexy, you up for some fun today?"


Me: "Yes I'll be having fun after I get off of work. I'll probably hang out with my friends or something. How nice and random of you, a stranger, to ask."


Dipshit 2: No response


Me: "Mission accomplished."


Moral of the story, Fuck you, because taking all of your personal dating frustrations out on total strangers is much safer than talking about it with the people who cause you to feel that way. Also because nothing says "wife me" like a little bit of salt thrown in your eyes to help wake you up and see what's in front of you.


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