Settle in little kiddies and I'll tell you a tale. Tonight's little ditty is about a guy named Stephen. You've never met him, nor have I. Nor will I, Here's Why.
The following is the first email I received from Stephen:
"Hello there butiful. My name is Stephen. I'm looking for a women who is willing to be open and is sequre (really guy?) with who she is. I love art, ask me about painting or drawing and I'll go on and on for long. If you decide to go out w/me you should know that I probably wouldn't buy meat or other animal products for you. As a vegan I don't really like to financially suppourt those industries. That's me. What about you butiful? Cool profile email be back if your interested."
You've just read the original now here's my elongated version. Sans the errors.
"Hello there beautiful. My name is Stephen. I'm looking for a woman who is willing to have sex with me without worrying about a pesky meaningful relationship. I hate those but I do, however, love art. If you make the mistake of mentioning it, I'll blither on forever until in an effort to tune me out, you stab out your tympanic membranes, ear drums for all you laymen out there *chortle*, and mail them to yourself for later re-attachment surgery. I'd also like to take the time and mention that if we decided to eat, I'd assume you'd expect me to pay for it. Unfortunately I wouldn't spring for dinner if you turn out to be a meat eater. Why you ask? Because I'm a vegan. Not just any vegan, the kind that you abhor. Oh you didn't ask? Well I suppose it's better you found out now instead of during the awkward moment that would undoubtedly occur immediately after I slide the check over to you. I'm sure your savage meal cost a lot more than my modest meager meal of dried bean sprouts and hay anyway. Cheesecake for desert? Oh no how evil, milk comes from cows you know? Doggy bag you say? How barbaric. I know it's not actually made out of dog but the idea is simply ghastly. Wouldn't you agree my pet? *guffaw* Look here, I'd much prefer my hemp sack, which interestingly enough unfolds into a pair of cargo capri pants. I prefer capri pants because the draw strings can't get caught in the Swiss cheese-like holes in my crocs. The holes allow my sweaty feet to breathe. Unlike those stretched animal carcasses you wear *sneer*." (Narrated by Nigel Thornberry)
I'm going to stop there because I was nice enough to respond to him and I'd like to share it with you.
The Following is my actual response to his original message:
"Hi Stephen. I eat two small bags of teriyaki flavored beef jerky at least twice a week. I always get a craving for it right around 12am. I'm quite SECURE in the notion that it helps me sleep. In the morning, sometimes I like to enjoy two teriyaki flavored meat sticks and a starbucks doubleshot for breakfast. I haven't for a while though. I was starting to look like a stuffed pig."
His response:
"How deliteful Wow. you couldve just said no thank you or no respondid at all. wow."
Mine:
"This was more fun. Some parting friendly advice, you might want to find a less offensive way to say that you're vegan. There's nothing wrong with being vegan if you're not rude about it. Oh and spell-check is awesome."
His response:
" Your funny but I guess I can see your point I am bad at these. I normally use spellcheck but right now I'm at work and in a hurry. Will you allow me to start over?"
Me:
"No but happy hunting."
His response:
"How delightful. Thank you."
My response:
"Anytime lamb chop."
-END-
Moral of the story? I hate uppity vegans and hippies with a passion (and hipsters but I'll save that rant for another time). If you've made the decision to live either one of these lifestyles more power to you but if you are to be my friend you have to promise not to shove it in my face. By saying things like, "How can you eat that? Don't you know what's in it?" Yes I do, random animal parts. Avoid this, and I in return will promise not to shove your cherry blossom branch dinner, or your patchouli stuffed ravioli (egg-less), or your hacky sack, up your ass. Using the spare rib from my dinner with bbq sauce as lubricant.....if I'm feeling generous.
