The Fuck Your Penis Chronicles 12: Mc Filth, Mc Fuck and Rob

I told myself that I wasn't going to make anymore of these but a few entertaining interactions have happened this week and I can't ignore them. I'm going to do something different this time. This FYPC is going to have a small countdown list from least offensive to most offensive. Unfortunately the best one the person was VERY high and incoherent (comic book store is next to a weed shop) so I'll do my best to recount what happened. Here we go...

Encounter Three

Thursday 4/14/11 around 6:45pm: I stopped in at the shop for a few minutes to say hi, sweep the floor and to finish a project I was working on for the store. When I was finished I walked out to my car and put my laptop and purse in first via the passenger door because the traffic was moving on the drivers side and I have no desire to be hit. While I was putting my stuff in I heard someone say something. I looked around and didn't see anyone but this colored fellow (as Mr. T would say. No not the actor) sitting in the car behind me. He was looking at me but it was clear that he wasn't the source of the voice so I continued on my way. I waited for the traffic to stop before attempting to enter my vehicle. As I opened my door, I once again heard the voice. This time when I looked I saw who it came from. The guy in the car behind me had a passenger and he was the one yelling at me. I got in my car anyway but I couldn't leave unless I wanted to get into ANOTHER accident. Starin' at the world through my rear view I saw him motion for me to go over to him. Of course I didn't so out climbs this huge black guy. He's About 6'3 and two hundred something  pounds. The light is now red but I really wanted to peel out before he could reach my car. No dice. I sighed heavily and rolled down my window as he bent over to look in. Here's what happened:

I start my car and he recoils as he is hit in the face with how loud my music is. I turn it off because I do have manners. Although I did imagine the do-rag he was sporting being blown off of his head by the sheer force of my music. Moving on.....

Him: "Hey, what's your name?"

Me: "Uh, Jessica"

Him: "Hi Jessica I'm Rob, where you coming from? The comic book store or the weed shop? The weed shop huh?" (He laughs)

Me: "No the comic book store."

Rob: "Oh what kind of comics you lookin' up?"

Me: "Um, I read a few but my friend owns the store so I was just saying hi."

Rob: "Oh that's cool. So where you stay at you live around LA or you stay over here?"

Me: "Here."

Rob: "So what you gonna to do now?"

At this moment the comic book store door is open and Ace comes to close it. He looks and sees what is going on, quickly averts his eyes and continues to close the door. Thanks a  million Ace buddy. From the bottom of my heart.

Rob: "Why you lookin' like that? All shy. You alright?"

Me: "I'm fine I was just looking at my friend's face."

Rob: "So why don't you let me take you to lunch Jessica?"

Me: "Well I'm at work during the day so I can't go to lunch."

Rob: "Where can I take you then? Happy hour?"

Me: "Um--"

Rob: "Let me have your number? You smoke?"

Me: "No I don't smoke."

Rob: "Oh sorry. Well let me get your number then. Let me take you out."

Me: "Ummmmmmmm Uhhhhh mmmmm I don't--"

Rob: "What  you gotta think about your number? What I'm not attractive?"

Me: "No, I have to think about giving it to you because you're a stranger."

Rob: "Well how am I supposed to become NOT a stranger if you won't let me take you out and get to know you?"

Me: ::::Shrug::::

Rob: " So?"

Me: "fine"

Rob: "Alright Jessica. I'm going to call you and you tell me when is the best time I can take you out okay?"

Me: "Okay."

Rob: "Alright. That's not your boyfriend or anything in there is it?"

Me: "No."

Rob: "You got one?"

Me: "No."

Rob: "You seeing anybody?"

Me: "No."

Rob: "Alright good. You might not be single after today Jessica." (Laughs)

I just stare at him.

Rob: "Alright Imma let you go bye Jessica."

Me: "Bye bye!"

He starts to go and I zoom away as soon as I get the chance.

Now you may be asking yourself why I gave him my number. The answer to that question boys and girls is simple. He was cute and he wasn't a dick. Sorry Tupac, sorry Tyrese, sorry young Jim Kelly. You guys are no longer the only  black guys I find attractive.--The End

Encounter Two

Tuesday 4/12/11-Sydney  and I decided to take a trip to target before meeting up with Amanda. We took separate cars so after we agreed that I was to drop mine off at home and she'd meet me there to take us to the bar, we went our separate ways. Here's what happened:

Stupid Fuck: "Hey!"

He said it with so much gusto that I thought this person may actually have something of value to say. With one leg in the car I turn my head.

Stupid Fuck: "Niiiiiiiiiiiiccccceeeee Niiiiiiicccceeee." (creepy smile and nodding)

I just turn around and get in my car. I see him in my mirror still smiling and nodding. Every fiber of my being told me to flip that mother fucker off but I didn't. I don't know what stopped me but I told Syd later and expressed my regrets for not doing so.--The End

(Insert drum roll here)

Encounter One

The last and most offensive encounter my young chaps took place once again at the comic book store. I decided I wasn't going to go to work for two days this week. I wasn't sick or anything but I honestly wouldn't have been of very much use if I had gone in the state of mind I was in those two days. On day two I went to the shop early after having sushi for lunch with Syd. I was reading my comics from this week's pull and Tracy was doing something or other on the computer when in strolls Captain. Filthy. I do not for the life of me remember most of what happened. I do remember however that he reeked of weed and was missing a tooth with another chipped. He was of the anglo saxson persuasion, a very distracting shade of red on top of being incredibly dirty. Even his nails were all black underneath. Blegh! Here's what else I remember:

Mc Filth: "bla bla bla bla comic book stores exist still? bla bla bla so you 18?"

First I look at Tracy in the hopes he's talking to him but he's not

Me: "Me? um I'm 24 but I'm not 18 anymore."

Mc Filth, "What's your name?"

I think about giving him a fake name for a few seconds and decide not to because he could be a potential regular customer for Tracy.

Me: "Jessica."

Mc Filth: "I'm (I have no idea what he said. sounded like he said Cable)"

He starts walking closer. I'm behind the counter thank Christ.

Points to Tracy

Mc Filth: "He your boyfriend?"

My natural reaction to that question is no so I say,

Me: "No."

Mc Filth: "You got a boyfriend?"

Me: "Yes."

also a natural reaction in situations like this

Mc Filth: "Oh, well  that's fucked up. Does he freestyle?"

Me: "Wait what? No why?"

Mc Filth: "Well 'cause I got a studio over here and we're having tournaments. He doesn't freestyle?"

I shake my head. He inches closer to my side of the counter. I have no idea what Tracy is doing because I refused to take my eyes off this dude for a second. Except in the short instances where he pretends to be interested in comics and asks Tracy questions or say weird things. Things like he didn't know there were still comic book stores or why something costs the amount of money that it costs. Unfortunately the phone rings and Tracy answers. While Tracy is on the phone:

Mc Filth: "You guys live together?"

Me: "No."

Mc Filth: "Why? Not taking that step?"

Me: "Uh--"

Mc Filth: "Do people actually read these?"

He's pointing so I lean a little forward to see what he's pointing at. Don't worry, there are stacks of merchandise on the counter that were helping to separate him from me.

Mc Filth: "I mean everything in here. people read this stuff?"

Me: "Uh yeah, I am right now."

Tracy  is off the phone at this point so he answers the next question, thanks 'cause um yeah I didn't want to talk to him anymore.

Mc Filth: "Does it make a lot of money?"

Tracy: "We make good profit yes."

During his visit he made random vague references to things that he may (probably doesn't) have to bring to the shop to get appraised. He sees something in the store and points to it.

Mc Filth: "What would something like that go for?"

Tracy: "I don't know, I'd have to see what you're selling."

Mc Filth: "Oh okay."

Mc Filth: "Well got these glasses. I'm wondering if I'd be able to sell them here. They're from London."

These are the glasses except the rims were gold

This seems to crack him up because he started laughing really hard. Turning himself a brighter shade of red. He stops laughing and talking for a minute while looking around. Then he puts the glasses on and then takes them off again to place them on the counter. That's when I see the dirty nails. I look at Tracy because Mc Filth is just staring at me. Tracy is looking at the computer screen. I turn my attention back to my comics until,

Mc Filth: "My landlord gave 'em to me. Said they were from moldy crew, Iron man something like that."

Me: "You mean Motley Crue and Iron Maiden? Only Maiden is from London and they aren't in a band with Motley Crue. Nor did they wear glasses like that. Maybe she was thinking of John Lennon? All that aside, you wouldn't be able to sell them here."

Mc Filth: "Do you know anywhere I could sell them?"

Me: "A thrift store maybe?"

In walks Mr. T. I have never been so happy in my life to see that man but for a few terrible minutes we, Tracy and I, are bathed in an aroma mixed with weed smoke and fart. Mr. T is making small talk with us and Mc Filth starts talking again, pointing up at the life sized gremlin statue from Gremlins 2 displayed in the shop,

Mc Filth: "Is that a gremlin?!!"

Me having seen it a million times and already basked in it's awesomeness say yes without looking up from my comic.

Mc Filth: "How much does that run?"

Tracy: "5000 dollars."

Mc Filth: "What? why? is it worth that? is it from the movie?"

Tracy: "That's just how much it's worth."

Some how three of us got on the topic that Tracy has never seen the movies and Mc Filth says a few more things that I don't remember and finally leaves the store. Tracy then turns to scold me. Yes I said scold.

Tracy: "The next time some dirt bag comes in the store and hits on you and asks you if you're my girlfriend just say yes."

Me: "But I said that I had a boyfriend and besides I don't think it would have made much of a difference and what would you have--"

Tracy: "Just do it next time."

I pout and read my comics while I wait for Mr. T to leave because although I was glad he came in I was not thankful for the exhaust issuing from his tail pipe.--The end

I hope you enjoyed today's FYPC. Peace!

Oh and leave comments if you have any. Don't be shy!